In recent years, my sister-in-law said something to me that has been on my mind lately. She said that she thought one of the principal things we have to learn to do in our life down here is to let things, including people, go. I don’t know that I appreciated her statement at the time; but the more I’ve thought about it, the more it has started to make sense to me. It certainly makes sense to me as a mother, and it makes sense to me as someone who has had to say “good-bye for now” to multiple people whom I still love very deeply. This week, though, I’ve started to think about what she said in a different light altogether.
For me, and perhaps for many others, one of the hardest things to let go of is what we thought our life would actually look like down here. I’m realizing that, in order to fully embrace my life, I must learn to let go of the life I thought I would have. God instructs us, in a much different context, not to have a divided mind; and I think this divided mind image fits what I’m saying here as well. It’s hard, if it’s even possible at all, to be fully committed to the life we’re living if we’re constantly wishing that life was something altogether different. I say this from experience. There are so many facets of my past as well as my present that I do wish were radically different. And I believe that my wishing this has, in a real way, crippled me. I must move on with the process of learning to let go of all the “would have been” and “could have been” thoughts. I must stop pining over the alternate realities that simply never were.
I don’t know that we’re accurate when we say that certain things were never meant to be. This statement might well be just what we say to ourselves and others so that life down here seems a little easier to live with. I think sometimes, many times, certain things were meant to be–they just never were; and though not all the time, lots of times we’re the actual reason why they never were. Free will is a hard thing to live with I think, but we have no other choice (silly pun intended). God didn’t want an army of robots; if he did, I’m guessing the whole free will thing would never have been designed and instituted. Yep, letting go is a hard thing, especially when we realize that our own choices, as well as the choices of others, are the culprit, the thing that has robbed us of so very many other good, good things.
The guilt that has resulted from this dynamic I’ve described is another thing that I must continue learning to let go of down here. Such guilt on this side of the cross seems to me to belittle what Christ has done through his agonizing and atoning death there. My daughter prompted me just yesterday to think about this more deeply. She seems very concerned these days with disappointing people by failing at this thing or that thing; and my response to her has consistently been, “If you do your very best, your dad and I will not be disappointed in you; and we’ll love you-no matter what.” So if I, the flawed woman (and thus parent) that I am, feel this way about my little girl, then how much more must the perfect parent–God the Father–feel this way about me, his little girl? No, Abba, my dearest daddy, is not the one hanging onto the choices I feel robbed by.
I’m finding that unconditional love and acceptance is a most hard thing to receive. And I’m beginning to see why so many of us never seem to find a way to embrace the Gospel of Christ–the gospel of grace, which Jesus personified. Deep down, I think there’s a sense in many of us (if not all of us) of how very unholy we actually are and thus we cannot allow ourselves to fathom how a God who is so good and so great could even dare to rub elbows with us. Well, he couldn’t have, had it not been for Jesus. Yes, there are many, many things in my life that I need to let go of; and there are others, like my faith and God’s grace, that I need to hang onto, no matter what the cost.
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