Who am I?

Like I imagine most followers of Christ have done at some point, I have prayed, especially since my sick season, that I would be of use to God.  And recently, God has allowed me to see that he is indeed using me/my story.  Thursday, I had the privilege of meeting a woman who had read my story (via Hear I AM) and was impacted by it in a way that I had prayed people would be.  Sitting down with this woman felt a lot like I imagine sitting down with Jesus might feel.  She was both strong and gentle in spirit, and loving and supportive in nature; and I felt as if I had known her my whole life.  Our encounter lasted much longer than I had expected and, though I had not eaten in many hours, I walked away from my new friend feeling more than full.  I then thought about the time Jesus told his disciples, who seemed awfully concerned that Jesus had not eaten, that his “food” was to do the will of God.  (This made me smile as I’ve always wanted to care that little about food but I almost never have.)  One would probably assume that I walked away from such a meeting/experience feeling “high” on life and, on some level, I really did.

Instead of feeling gratitude though for an answer to my prayer to be used by God, I realized that I was actually feeling riddled with emotions that felt an awful lot like fear and insecurity.  How messed up is that?  I found myself wondering if God really does know what he’s doing down here because I felt quite confident that there was someone else out there who deserved to be used much more than I did.  I’ve actually felt this way, on and off, pretty much my whole life; and I and others tended to think it was a sign of humility.  Finally though, I’m beginning to see that my way of thinking all these years may well have been just another form of pride.  God can use anything and anyone because…..well…..he’s God.  Who am I to spend the life I’ve been given looking down upon his “agents,” his actions, and his agendas?   

As I talk to more and more believers, most especially women, I find that I am not all that rare.  It seems that many of us who do desperately want to be used by God actually choose to stand in the way when God does try to use us.  We “play small,” even though the God we claim to worship is anything but that.  Of course I’m unworthy, and so is everyone else down here.  Isn’t that the point of the gospel?  We bring nothing to the table except our broken selves.  And that’s okay, because Jesus really does has our backs. 

Who am I?  I’m His.  I always have been, and I always will be.  You know that expression that people in a new relationship sometimes throw around when they meet the person they feel like they’re meant to spend their life with down here?  “That woman or that man was simply made for me!”  Well, I was made for God, literally.  So, why shouldn’t God use me?  It would really be a waste (on my part) for him not to.  I forgot to remember this, and I’m so very thankful that God used one of his beautiful “sixty something” year old girls to remind me.  Thank you, PB, for reaching out and becoming such a sweet part of my God story!