Nothing Is Wasted

There have unfortunately been many areas of this life in which I’ve had a tendency to feel envy toward others.  I’ve been pondering one of these areas quite a lot in recent months.  It’s “Jones” envy for sure but not regarding material possessions; my envy has to do with how very ordered the lives of some have appeared to be.  There seem to be a few people down here who have always known exactly what they want to do, exactly how they want to spend their lives; and they’ve actually done it.  I’ve envied such people much, as I feel that I’ve been about as far away as one can get from being such a person.

My life thus far has never felt “neat” enough by my standard.  For instance, I’ve had many different jobs, none of which I would say fit me like a glove.  I’ve started many different things I’ve never finished, some of which I do regret.  I’ve had many different areas of interest, none of which have consumed me (most of the time at least).  And something about my being wired the way I’m wired, which often appears to be the opposite of steadfast, has resulted in my feeling like a failure much of the time…..until right now.

A very dear friend and sister of faith pointed out to me just yesterday, thankfully, that who and how I am is no accident; and our God will use it all.  He’s really remarkable that way.  The story of Israel’s King David drove this point home at Bible class yesterday too.  God used all of David’s life, not just the steady (planned) parts, to accomplish God’s purposes.  Yes, God really did use David’s whole life–his years as a shepherd, his years on the run (from King Saul), his fights against and then later for the Philistines, his “stint” as an adulterer (and subsequent murderer of his lover’s husband), his son’s death (a direct result of his affair), and the list could go on.  And David’s life was too, as was his predecessor Saul’s, a little all over the place.

There was one real difference between the lives of David and Saul though.  David always turned back to God and did so sooner versus later; he loved God so very much that, even in the midst of unspeakable acts, the mutual affection between him and God prevailed.  One of the points brought up in Bible class was how unusual it was for a king of David’s era, a king who had many children by many different wives, to mourn as deeply as David did for the first child he had with Bathsheba–the child that was the product his adultery, the child who didn’t even live beyond one week.  As I thought about how David mourned, it occurred to me that he must also have been mourning what he had lost with/for God–his most beloved.

Yes, realizing that we’ve really let God down can be quite painful, and not at all because God “guilts” us into grief as earthly parents often do.  It hurts us because we know on some deep level that no one can love us more or better than God does.  He truly loves us through it all.  Whether we’re on or off course with our lives, what seems to ultimately matter is whether we’re in or out of communion with Him.  All else really is secondary.  And though David messed up royally (silly pun intended), he seemed to know this; and he was thus dubbed “the man after God’s own heart,” a distinction never given to anyone else.

So, apparently, our lives don’t have to be neat and tidy/well-planned out and consistent to please God. David himself tells us in Psalms what does please God though–a broken spirit, a crushed and contrite heart.  I don’t believe for one minute that God likes to see us broken.  He simply knows us well enough to know that there’s no room for him until we get to the end of ourselves.  No, “order” as defined by this world is quite often not at all the same thing as “order” defined by God.  He wants us and he wants us to want him above all else.  And if my life was as picture-perfect as I’ve spent most of my life wishing it was, I think I might have a much harder time seeing my need for God.  This doesn’t mean others can’t.  It simply means that I’m wired in such a way that I somehow need the mess in order to grasp the message.

My friend is spot on.  God is showing me that right now.  He’s showing me bit by bit how every detour, every mistake/misstep, every indecision, every second guess, every little anything is coming together to form something so very good that my life just simply makes no sense at all apart from him.  Yes, he does indeed use it all.  He uses it all in his way, in his time, and for his purposes.  And he doesn’t do so because I (or anyone else) is worthy of it but simply because he’s God–and there’s nothing he can’t do.